Shame-everyone knows your name

I had a conversation this week with someone who is grieving a great loss in their life.  This person talked about learning to live life without their loved one.  While we talked about their relationship a theme kept coming up in the conversation.  The theme was that this person had been living their life by the other person's rules, schedule, and desires.  While I don't believe that the person I was speaking to felt any resentment for that I do know that living life any other way was scary for this person. They spoke of never doing things just the way the other person wanted it done and how now they are wrestling with getting it right and also realizing there is no right anymore.  At one time in the conversation this person said "I don't even know what it means to live my own life. I don't even know what I will do."  They spoke of doing things in the same way for fear of disappointing their now departed loved one. 


I have been doing a lot of thinking about the word shame and the role it plays in lives.  I always thought that shame and guilt were basically one and the same.  Cousins if you will. I am coming to realize that they really aren't.  Shame is when you perceive yourself to be bad and guilt is when you perceive an action of yours to be bad.  Guilt punches you in the gut and you move on.  Shame attaches itself to you and it is much harder to release it's hold.  It's that voice in your head that shouts all your self-doubts.  You know that one that says "You aren't good enough" "You don't deserve..." or "Well you are stupid for <insert verb of choice here>."

Where does shame begin?  How do we pick it up as life traveler that didn't pay for the trip?  Think about that quote that you see printed everywhere to inspire people. I don't know who originally said it as I have seen it credited to Mark Twain but also to other people as well.  Today, I am giving credit to my peace loving Buddha that sits at my desk.

Maybe you are one of the blessed ones that has rhythm and isn't tone deaf.  If so you can substitute two other words in there with something you are uncomfortable with and this will still ring true for you. For the rest of us I am going to run with dancing and singing. Think about the last time you did either of these things without worrying what someone else thought (without the help of alcohol).  Was it hard to come up with the last time?  Did you have to go all the way back to being a child?  When did you lose that childhood innocence that robs you of pure joy?  Was it that first time you were dancing as if no one was watching and you realized someone was watching and laughing.  Did you sing along to a song and realize you had the words wrong and the person next to you not only knew the words but sounded just like the original singer, so you stopped or worse started lip syncing so that you still fit in but don't stand out?

If you haven't guessed I spend a lot of time over-analyzing reflecting .  This can be healthy but it can also be an open invitation for shame to walk on in.  I can identify some key moments that occurred that gave shame open space.  I am realizing that  I have allowed it to take up space that was occupied by a personality I have tried to silence due to "what if someone is watching, what if I look silly, what if, what if, what if"...

It's those moments when I let go of the "what if's" that I find the most joy in life.  It's those moments that bring the biggest smile to my face not the ones that I held myself back because of those little voices.  We as humans spend so much time judging others and pointing the finger laughing that we don't realize the energy we are wasting crushing others instead of lifting them up. If we really look behind that finger do we not find someone hiding from having others point the finger at us.  Here's a what if.  What if we didn't just dance as if nobody was watching but we lived as if nobody was watching.  What if we all lived like the little girl that goes crazy on the dance floor at a wedding.  You know the one that shows off her moves even more as the crowd grows. The one that feeds off the energy of the crowd regardless of whether they are smiling or laughing.  What happens to that little girl when someone comes up to her to remind her that isn't how little girls are supposed to behave?  Most of the time she looks confused and sometimes she hangs her head in shame.  What would happen if instead of being the person to calm her, we were the person who celebrated her and joined her?

As you click away from this blog I hope that you will find at least one moment each day that you ignore that voice and just go for it.  I hope that the next day you find two moments and you just keeping letting them grow and grow.  Whatever "it" is may not even be something that anybody else would ever even know you are doing but if you are like me shame may have gotten in there deep and even those moments you restrict yourself.  Take a brave step and just try.  I would put money on the fact that the people you look up to or believe are brave didn't get that way by not even taking that very first step and failing at least a little bit.

If you see me anytime soon and you think "I can't believe she is doing that" understand these things 1)I probably am not intoxicated-I just really am that silly  2)I'm still in the process of silencing that voice so yes I am ignoring the fact that you think I shouldn't be doing whatever I am doing 3)I am thinking "I am so glad I am doing this!"