Queen of Hearts

Some say it takes 6 weeks to form a habit and to break a habit.  It has been 365 days since I heard you say “Hi” and 365 days since I said “goodbye”.  That’s 52 weeks.  It’s been 366 days since I last called you.  Still 52 weeks.  And my habit is not broken.  I wake up every morning thinking of something that I need to tell you and everyday on my drive home I stop just before I reach for the phone.  My habit of reaching for you for everything is not gone. So I wonder what “some” really know.

Here’s what I know. A heart and a mind can live in the same body and not be in sync.  My mind knows that you are not here.  But my heart says “You should call”.  My mind knows that we had it all but my heart says I would have been happy with a little more.  My mind tells my heart that there is no such thing as a just a little more making this better.  I would have always been longing for just a little more.

My heart says “You can’t pass up that penny without picking it up.  What if it is there to let you know she is thinking of you.” My mind says “Get real, somebody dropped it out of their purse and thought it was just a penny, why bother”.  My heart was sore when I realized that I lost the pin from you being an organ donor and it skipped a beat when I found it a few weeks later stuck in the bottom of my tennis shoe.  My mind said “Okay, I’ll give it to you, that one is a little ironic.  You dropped that somewhere that there were several other people walking around and of all the people to have it stuck in their shoe, it was yours.  It’s like she was still with you every step.”

While I don’t subscribe to the thought that you are somewhere in the clouds looking down on me, my mind can’t deny that the sky has even more allure since you’ve been gone.  My mind believes that since you have been gone your new place is walking beside me and the others that you loved.   I had to let go of some things that were a joy to me before when you were here.  I realized that the joy was simply doing them with you.  I have found that my heart expresses its self in words, pictures, and creations once again.  And there is joy there.  I rarely talk a loud to you because I realize now that it wasn’t the ranting I needed but the calm that you provided after the ranting. Sometimes  I let the thoughts of you flow or the tears fall because the tingle that runs through my whole body when my face begins to get wet has to be you wrapping your arms around me.  My heart says it so because it doesn’t come when the tears are not for you. It's in those moments my heart knows you are beside me because it feels just like your hugs, smile, and laughter.

My memories have begun to come back to me.  I don’t only see that last day.  I see nearly every day.  I feel the wind through my hair and want to lean over in the car and lay my head on your shoulder again.  I feel silk and remember your pillow case meant to not mess up your hair.  An old wooden swing invites me to have a seat and enjoy a cup of instant coffee and feel the dew brush between my toes while we swing the morning away again.  My backpack of treasures reminds me of our last adventure when I dug in your yard so sure I had found the jackpot and I remember your excitement that turned to laughter when you realized the treasure was a part of the workings for the fountain granddad had installed years ago.  And the kitchen.  Oh the kitchen.  I can still see the pots sitting in the floor with the wooden spoon next to it meant to occupy me while your hands worked magic on some kind of baked heaven.  I can see the candy hidden in the cabinet or the slow cooker that you swore was for the kids or for grandpa.  I remember my amusement when I realized that it still disappeared, with only the wrappers left as evidence, on days I came to see you and you were the only one there. With my eyes closed I can see that battered old red box with duct tape holding the sides together sitting on the kitchen table. It's open and the grey rollers and pink pins are intertwined with white hair.  Your white hair was rolled by these rollers for as long as I can remember.  In my memory I am sitting across from you as you roll so quickly and gracefully and pat them on your head at the end to be sure they are in place.  

I see you at the poker machine.  I hear you gently tapping the side and whispering some  encouragement “come on, come on, queen,queen, queen” with every card dealt.  I hear your reminder, your golden rule of video poker if you will, to always keep what you got.  Always keep what you got. Leading up to today I took stock of the hand the game dealt me.  I found that I have 33 years and 348 days of you to celebrate on this year mark of our last goodbye. That is a gift of love, friendship, mentor-ship, laughter, and precious moments of silence just spent in each other’s company that some may never be able to fill their heart with. So today I celebrate all the hellos instead of our last goodbye. Not having you to talk to will always make me sad but I am alright.  I have things to look forward to and and I am still making memories that I will share with you sometime when I see you again.  I miss you but writing this has made it better because  I realize I don't need to ask for a queen of hearts because life already dealt me mine.