Common thread

Mya and I are sitting on the dock. Our bare feet are just barely skimming the water as we kick them back and forth.  It has been some time since we had spent "just the two of us" time and we are nearing the conclusion of the customary getting caught up conversation that always occurs when two people haven't seen each other for awhile. She uses her hand to shield the sun from her eyes, and glances over at me and asking "How do you decide who you let in?" I sigh hoping that this is a time she will be easily distracted and  I avoid her question by responding "Did they knock on the door?"  She squints her eyes at me and shares a look that conveys she isn't amused.

I lean back on my elbows and stare up at the clouds. "Does that cloud look like a unicorn wearing a tutu to you?"

Ignoring my attempt at avoidance again, she continues to work on me for an answer. "Wow, this question really makes you uncomfortable.  How could it make you uncomfortable?  You have a lot of people that you are close to.  Isn't there a common thread you can find amongst us?  What draws you to everyone and what keeps you there?"

"You think I am close to a lot of people?"

"Well yeah, why wouldn't I?  You are always doing something with somebody.  Your circle is big and sometimes it seems you are the common thread for people or at least you are the beginning of the thread. I bet if you asked most of our friends how they met the circle would come back to you somehow. Don't you think you are close to a lot of people?"

Wanting to avoid eye contact I lie down on my back, feeling the cracks of the wood on my back through my shirt. I'm not trying to be coy. Mya is right.  I am uncomfortable answering because I don't know the answer. Knowing that it's best to sometimes let me think through my answer she lies back also and allows the silence to sit between us.

Finally responding I say "I don't think that I consider my circle of close friends as large as it seems you do.  I agree that it may appear I have a lot of friends but the ones that are really close and know me the best is smaller than I think you are thinking of."

It's her turn for reflection.  I am hoping that she is satisfied with my answer but knowing that I should know better.

"Continue on"

She is digging into an area I have recently been exploring myself and I know that it is more than likely leading to ugly cry face appearing but  I must be feeling security in the lack of eye contact since I continue on as she asked.
 
"I suppose I have to feel comfortable first. As much as I put myself out there as a someone who can be the center of attention or someone that others shake their head and laugh at what I've said or done, I am in control of all that. I really am shy or introverted. "

Mya laughs as she says  "You might think about seeing somebody about that control thing there..."

I interrupt, laughing with her and exclaim "Tell me about it."

"So you wouldn't say you are comfortable with most of the people you are around?"

"No that's not true. I am comfortable. This is why I was trying to avoid the conversation. I don't know how to answer the question..."

"Stop thinking so much about it.  Jeez relax and just let the words come out. Just go with it!"

It's my turn to give Mya the "are you serious look" to which she replies "Oh yeah, the control thing.  We are getting you a referral for real."

After letting out another loud sigh I take her advice and just let the words fly out. "I have to trust them.  I have to know that the deepest darkest secret that's so hard to say  it catches my breath and brings tears to my eyes is going to go in their ears and never out their mouth. They are people that have real conversations with me about ideas and not just about things or people.  I have to be able to be loud, be quiet, be silly, be serious and be accepted for whichever one of those is the one that is present in that moment. If I take the step towards the person to open the door to the deep inside I see on the other side that most of the time they are still present in the moment and not moving on to their problems. They are people that wipe the steam off the mirror when it's clouding my vision of the true reflection of myself.  They are the ones that understand that when I withdrawal it's about me and not them.  They understand that sometimes there is just too much stimulus for me and that I have to retreat to re energize myself.  They are patient with me even when I am not patient with myself. They can giggle through tears with me.  When they ask me if I am okay, and I say yes when I clearly am not, they give me that look that says they know different but they give me the space until I can catch that breath and reach out whispering "I'm really not," at which time they hug me and reply "I know you aren't but you will be," and they know that the best way to continue on after that is to just kick life back into gear."

Mya reaches over and grabs my hand, then says "I don't see the horn.  It looks more like a goat with a tutu on it to me."