I started a post yesterday that was dealing with forgiveness and opened up the post to start the process of writing again but before the masterpiece got started I received a text from my friend Kim. She was asking me how my day of shopping had gone. I stopped to reflect upon the day and realized that this story couldn't be conveyed through text messages. It deserved a phone call. Said phone call had Kim giggling and she encouraged me to write about. So for your laughing pleasure here is my experience shopping today. Let me preface this by saying that I am not judging anyone and I consider myself an open minded person. But even with an open mind, you still encounter things every once in awhile that catch you off guard.
I set off at 10 am this morning with the mission of finding clothes. In true Valerie fashion that mission changed about the time I got to the town I was going to. I decided I needed a hedge trimmer to cut the ivy on our back patio. I needed a heavy duty sucker. Something that would teach that ivy who the boss was even if the lesson was only temporary. So I turned to my close friend, Google, and found that there was good deal on one in the next town. That fit perfect because I could also do a detour at Lane Bryant.
I walk into Lane Bryant to check out the clothes and notice an older gentleman (late 60's, early 70's) walking around the store with a lady. We will call him Bill. Bill caught my eye initally because he was following this lady around the store and he was carrying 3 or 4 bras. I thought to myself, "Look at that lady. She has him carrying those bras around the store for her. What a trooper!". I go about my browsing and the saleslady comes over. She seems really eager to help me, which annoys me usually but for some reason today my tolerance was better. She seemed to need me, she seemed to want my help. I'm a sucker for that! So I start talking to her about items and proceed to the dressing room. (by myself, I draw a line there. She could help the other lady in there for awhile) When I come out the dressing room I look around the store and realize that Bill is still there. But the lady he was following is not there anymore. No big deal, she is in a dressing room. But something seems strange. Bill is at the underwear table. Bill is picking up underwear. Bill is holding up underwear and saying "I like this and these. And I need these". WAIT...WHAT? That's when I subtly take a closer look at Bill and realize Bill is wearing a bra. Bill has on makeup but his eye shadow looks like those adorable pictures of a 3 year old that has been in her mommy's makeup bag. And when Bill says "I like these panties" he means he likes them for himself. Ok not what I am expecting at Lane Bryant in this small town. And as I am paying for my stuff Bill shares some tidbits that suddenly makes it clear why my saleslady needed me. He looks at her and says "Last time I was in here, you were scared. You were frozen behind the counter and didn't move. I had to come back in when one of the other girls that know me were here. Now you've at least come out from behind the counter." Apparently Bill shops at this store often and most salesladies know him but he caught mine off guard. The other lady is comfortable with him and talks to him about his Real Women Dollars and the gift checks that he is gets in the mail and tells him not to share them with his grandson because he probably doesn't need them. They laugh and carry on. You go Bill. Work it and I'm glad you got that pair of $3.99 panties that really weren't on sale but was a glitch in the system. My only question is where do you try on your clothes at? And Kudos to the Lane Bryant ladies for being open minded and giving good customer service to me and Bill!
I move on to Sears. Nothing real exciting happening there except I got a BUSHWACKER!!! Okay it isn't really a bushwacker. It's a hedge trimmer but bushwacker is funnier to say because, well, I have the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy. I kinda got the feeling that one of the salesmen was trying to hit on me but thinking back, I think he was just using me to look like he was doing something because he knew someone else was waiting on me but his general manager was in the department so had to look like he was doing something. And there was a customer rolling around in the floor pulling up the flappers on lawn mowers but not lifting up the lawn mowers. But at this point, I'm not questioning anyone on their prefrences. I am sure there will be a TLC show on this kind of obsession soon enough.
I am still in need of clothes so I move on down the road to next town. Nothing exciting happens there until I get to TJ Maxx. I am leaving the store and I push the little unlock button so I can throw my stuff in the trunk. I pull up on the hatch. It doesn't open. I push the button again. Pull. Nothing. WTH!!! I push the button three times in a row, pull up. Nothing. I'm frustrated now until I look down and don't see my bushwacker. Oh no! This isn't my car. So I walk away fast. Hurry, hurry. Get me in my car. Look around. Don't think anyone saw me. Oh no! Where is my car??? Okay there is the car. Throw the stuff in the trunk. Hurry,hurry, you are still embarrassed for trying to get in the wrong car. Round the car, reach the drivers side door...BANG (Valerie jumps) BARK BARK! (Valerie screams)"OH SHIT". While quickly opening the car door and jumping in, I turn to see a very small dog in the car next to me. He looked ferocious though and his bark at first sounded like a man yelling HEY and his little paws hitting the window was imaginary man banging on the window. It is the day after Friday the 13th after all. Jason could be out there somewhere you know. I am by a lake with summer camps on it! (drama queen much?) So a wiener dog literally scared the shit out of me but the shit he scared out of me was the "OH SHIT" I screamed in the parking lot after he barks those two barks at me. It's time to wrap up this shopping trip and head home before I run into something else. Just another day in the travels of Valerie.
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